Dear Me

I'm sorry. I am so sorry, for the

Abuse I've been putting you through lately.
Mutiny is the only option you have left,

Slowly, I can feel it, your rebeling against my dictatorship,
Only I can save myself, but I wonder if it's worth anything anyway.

Suffocating you, drowning in endless crashing waves.
Of course, the drugs and alcohol don't help, but at least I'm numb.
Rebel on, dear body but do not
Rely on me.
You really did deserve so much more.

Electricity - Part 1

The sky was electric. Its pulse was nothing short of frightening as it spontaneously lit up somber clouds hanging low overhead. The street was alive, greedily drinking in every rain drop that shattered against its glistening oily facade.

She was running, her feet carried her like a bird on a breeze and the tear stained sky had left her shoulder length hair a soaking mop of tangled deep brown shades. Her heart was beating hard against her rib cage, like a captive animal longing to break through its confinement and be free.

As she ran, her clothing sucked tightly against her body, cold began to seep into her bones like fog covering a graveyard. Her legs became a blur as she rounded a dark corner until suddenly, like a crack in the ice, her heart stopped, her breathing halted and her feet became rooted to the spot.

Nothing in the world made her feel more alone than the landscape painted before her, a long and narrow street cast into inky darkness lay before her like a post war memorial. Deserted and dark, until a whisper of movement caught her eye. She stood, paralyzed, for a heartbeat while her eyes adjusted. The rain was brutally assaulting the landscape, throwing itself against suburban houses, perfectly trimmed trees and shut oak doors in a fury. A dark mass shrouded in shadows began to form into a huge dark figure and stood hauntingly in the middle of the street. Staring straight at her.

Her pulse started pounding in her ears and her hands began to quiver as she slowly mustered up the courage to take a few steps towards the apparition.
        "Just act natural." She thought quietly to herself, "People don't go running around town at one in the morning, maybe he's not looking for conversation."
Cautiously looking back over her shoulder she continued her journey forward. The streets snaking away behind her had suddenly gone dark as well and she was painfully alone. Her mind jumped back to the beginning of her journey and quickly recalled its way through the route she had already come, trying to distract herself from whatever encounter might take place in a few meters.

Her slow shallow footsteps seemed to echo through the empty suburban yards and bounce through the darkness like a chaotic orchestra, trapped between fences and walls that seemed to close in on the road. She cast a daring look at the figure, it hadn't moved since she had laid eyes on it.

      "It cant be waiting for me... can it." The idea made her heart race again and caused her legs to nearly buckled underneath her small body.
      "Just a few more steps and I can start running again." Her mind was counting the paces between her and the stranger. Trying her best to seem as normal as a rain soaked person wandering around at ungodly times of the morning could be. She looked around nervously at the houses that littered the street.

       "All these houses look exactly the same. I will never live in something that looks the same as everything else, there is no sense of self anywhere." She abruptly decided to herself in her deeper thoughts.

       "I often find that individuals are mostly the same." The dark voice caught her off guard as it boomed around her head, she tripped and fell, bouncing off the hard wet tar. Pain shot through her knee as she looked down to see the blood beginning to drip and mix with the water dripping off her body. As quickly as the ground loomed up to kiss her, the stranger had closed the space between them and was standing, looming over her petite body.

Her eyes panickedly, searched for an escape as she rushed to her feet and fueled by adrenaline, set off at a hundred kilometers per hour. She was happy running, she had been doing it her whole life, and running away was no exception. As she dashed to what she thought was safety she felt her heart ease into a rhythm similar to her footsteps.

The little street seemed to become more narrow with every steps she took, her breathing was labored as she dared a glance back towards the place she had previously fallen. The lighting cast an electric white flash across the length of the street drowning out the colours only to be snuffed out seconds later. Eyes still adjusting she had seen the street and the pitch apparition wasn't there anymore.
Her heart and legs slowed to a slight panic and as they did a cold hand wrapped itself around her wrist and yanked her towards a billowing silhouette.
      "I don't understand why people always try to run." The voice was eery and deeply unhappy and caused goosebumps to raise like the dead along the length of her arms.

      "I was... uhh.. running because... it's, it's kinda my thing." She stammered out in a voice smaller than she hoped for.
      "I know." The voice bounced around the air in front of her face. "I know everything about you."

Her heart stopped. The inky veil of night faded away between eyelids closing fast, falling against the tar like an autumn leaf lost on a breeze.She slowly faded into the grey the storm had brought with it.

A Blaze

That fire burning deep inside of you,
It's blazing at a million degrees.
It consumes and devours,
It reduces all it sees to ashes.

Your words, they search for oxygen to live
You scream them and shout them
At the top of your lungs.
They roll off your tongue like blazing coals
And find their final resting place among the words of others
Burning in the inky night sky.

The fire inside of you,
I know where it started burning.
It was ignited like gasoline with words like matches
That burnt with an intensity
You weren't yet ready for.

Forgive my icy heart,
I have had a hurricane blowing through my frostbitten veins
For sometime now.

I sometimes wish my reckless and frozen eyes
Could somehow dampen the fires that burn within you,
Because they rage,
And rage they do,
On and on without relent.

You are a burning torch,
A flaming symbol that demands awe.
And me, I am a mere snowflake,
Who has forgotten that the sharpest swords,
Are forged in the hottest flames.

the hardest part...

Here comes the hard part.
The beginning.

Where do I start, when every time I think about your name, an ocean pours into existence,
Waves of moments laughing, tears falling, hugs that I wished would last forever and kisses that dug the hole big enough to bury all the vindicating emotions crash into a shoreline filled with evenings spent lying tucked safely into his arms that wrap me away from life itself.

I'm torn between telling you that the smell of your skin still lingers on my pillow and I can't sleep without it filling my lungs completely and that every night for the last week Ive been dreaming of holding your hand because your fingers beat out a rhythm my heart keeps on repeat or starting off with just a hi...

Why is it so difficult to just write a casual note to you without becoming completely engulfed in the tiniest details of you like the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh, or the way you jump just to make me laugh and God knows the way you simply look standing just out of my reach watching the world around you sends me into a flat spin, maybe it's just the way you smell that keeps me coming back for more, like a starved beggar competing for a discarded scrap of your time.

I think I'm just going to stick with good old faithful and write Hello Raymond, I've fallen completely in love with your delicate, gentle soul that has enough space for the entire world to fit in and your heart that's managed to keep me so warm through even the toughest of winters.

Oh god I'm useless at this casual thing. He's going to think I'm completely bat suit crazy for writing paragraphs about the way his lips create electricity underneath my skin when they softly graze againt my neck and leave tiny sparks that fill the inky heavens at night.

You. Are. Horribly. Distracting.

I find my thoughts being dragged back to you like the waves residing back into the ocean they once came from when everyday I find something simply beautiful like the way the wind blows softly against the trees right outside my windows because I remeber how much you love a chilled breath kissing your skin on a day as breathtaking as you and thanks to your intoxicating games I won't ever be able to brush my teeth without just about choking on the toothpaste as the memory of you brushing my teeth replays in my head.

It's impossible to just write you something casual when my eyes brim with tears thinking about you whispering, "Liefste Chay..." Into my ear when your hands press our bodies closer together than the sheets and duvet that line the place I miss you the most.

I've never been worse at something I'm usually the best at, and it's all because of you. It's incredibly difficult for me to find a way to start telling you that I've been the most amazing person lately and it's soley due to your influence in my life that's introduced music beyond my wildest imagination to the blank sheet paper I thought was beautiful before. What words could I possibly string together that could begin to even slightly resemble the priceless pearls you've cultivated in my shell. Where to begin telling you that I'm falling. Drowning, in fact, in the emotions that swell like the tides in the ocean of my heart. You fill me with sunshine and grow flowers in my lungs, and even though they make it hard to breathe at times, I love to have something blooming inside of me that is nearly as wonderful as the sneaky kisses you give me when you think I'm sleeping.

Okay... So here it comes.
Just me, jumping into the deep end head first here...
The hard part.
The beginning.

Hi Babe ♡

I just wanted to let you know that iloveyouendlessly.

Hope you had a good day today and that I maybe crossed your mind once or twice because you haven't left mine since we last said goodbye.

Firestarter

You can't cheat me out of the words
You promised me.

Give you're everything and
Fall to your knees to pray for a
Little water to douce the
Flames you started today.

You started a fire and your
Choking on the fumes.
You started a fire and I hope your choking
On your words.

Everything you gave me,
Yeah, I'm throwing it to
The hungry ghosts calling
Out your shitty name.

All the tears that saturate
They fill me up
And away, away they ate.
You kept pushing my body
To the point of tearing
But now it's your hearts turn
To become the ripped ribbons
At the flames that burn.

It's all the chemicals you inhale
That started this fire.
You started a fire and your
Choking on the fumes.
You started a fire and I hope your choking
On your words.

No you can't cheat on me
Not one more time.
I'm stronger than you think
And your just the slime
That lines the gutters.

Take your chemicals
You're not my miricale anymore.

You started a fire and your
Choking on the fumes.
You started a fire and I hope your choking
On your words.

Hurting_The Tide

Hurt is like a poison,
It flows through your veins no matter how much you try to bleed it out.
It becomes an integral part of you
And reaks mass destruction wherever it goes.

It's in every breath you take and it consumes your every thought
As it clings onto your oxygen and moves slowly, painfully through your body.
Until it's infected every inch of you.

Soon smoke rings replace your halo and your wings turn grey.
It dulls the stars and the moonlight streaming through your windows doesn't seem as beautiful as it once appeared.
It floods your bedroom late at night and finds you
Awake during hours you're meant to be finding peace.

Eventually you're universe can only exist when the hurt does.

It will consume you. Completely. Wholely.
Like the tide it swallows your body and pulls you so far into its depths that you loose sight of land.
Hopelessness, lonliness, emptiness.

That's all you ever seems to locate and although they keep you a float for a little bit,
You're soon alone, struggling against a tide so strong that swimming seems pointless
And all the while the people that cause you hurt are standing on the shore line,
Screaming, "just swim!"

But you're body can't go on, and eventually you give in to the rhythmic pull,
The burning sensations creeping up on your skin,
In your throat,
In your lungs,

Suddenly
The struggle you felt to save yourself dissipates from your body
And a new blossom flowers deep inside the pits of your stomach

The struggle to just end it all
Because when swimming against the tide just becomes too much,
You eventually drown.

Smeared Ink

My insecurities
They devour me

Slowly turning my body into ashes
Like the cigarettes i smoke
Am I destined to burn myself out
In a slow blaze of passion
That i know will kill me in the end.

Tearing at my frame
Crushing my ribs that are still
Locked and whole
But for how much longer?

My insecurities
They drown me
They hold me out to the crashing waves
Of sorrow
The master puppeteer
That pulls the strings of my life
And laughs as I tumble over the lines
Hooked deep within my burning flesh.

Bleeding black and writing in red
My blood like the spilled ink smeared over the pages of my diary
Is now smeared over me.