A Whiter Shade

My fingertips are numb. Numb and frozen, slowly turning a darker shade of purple with every minute that passes.

All I have with me are my thoughts, my memories and myself. I'm alone, with everything that I am. Nothing else matters anymore.

Its cold out here, but I hardly seem to notice. All I can focus on is the soft whispers of your voice, fading in and out of my war plagued mind. Your voice echos when I hear it, but is followed by a silence so heartbreaking, it would rip any soul into shreds. Any soul that wasn't already broken. Any soul but mine.

My heart feels as though its been ripped into shreds by the sharpest claws. Tattered pieces of cloth, hopelessly holding on by starved threads, grasping onto one another as though they were the last fibers of matter. The last pieces of life I could still posses.

When you left me, I felt so... Why did you go?

Why did you leave me alone, with this broken piece of flimsy life beating me black and blue from the inside out. I'm breathing but I feel dead. I'm feeling but inside I'm completely numb.

I'm sitting out here so that, if even for just a little bit, in a while, I can feel the same way I do outside as I do on the inside. The wind is licking at my cheeks like a hungry dog. I'm sure they're blood red by now. My lips feel as though they should be a whiter shade of the snow that is slowly falling from the dark sky. A whiter shade of death.

If heaven is in the sky, then why does the sky look like hell? The clouds are black and thick, and as far as I can see it looks as though the smoke from a the tormenting fires of hell have filled the air, and my lungs, and poisoned the beautiful blue horizon, and turned it grey and black. Grey. And. Black.

Grey and black seems to be everywhere, in my dreams, my heart, my thoughts. Everywhere.

If that's what heaven looks likes, even sometimes, why did you leave me?

You've always been the person I've needed the most, and now that your not at home to give me hugs, who else is going to be able to make me feel as safe as you did? Who else will be able to bring me even the slightest slithers of sunlight.

I just don't understand how you could have left. You know what I'm like. Only you understood how to help me when everything was getting worse. When the days were becoming colder and darker, outside and inside of me.



Its blinding white outside. But the snows gone, there's nothing on the ground.
The wind is so cold, I'm surprised those tall trees aren't moving at all...
Those clouds that were poisoning your heaven are also stealing the sunlight, but everywhere I look, it seems to be so bright.

How could you just let me leave, all alone.

Why didn't you fight harder so that I could stay, if even for just one more day.

Why did you let me die?
Why did you let me die?





Written for a friend who's Daddy has to go away for a while. I wrote this for her because I want her to know that I know what it feels like, and that I love and support her. Keep Staying Strong and Beautiful.

He'll be home soon. iloveyou.

Sparcsi

"Its not always like this, you know" she said with silent tears fading into her pale white skin, "Its just, some nights it feels like I'm the only person in the whole world. It's so lonely in my mind. It's so lonely and dark and cold... and some nights I just wish I had someone else to help fill up this vacum of thought sucking everything up inside me."

I remember looking into her eyes, I saw every colour of her emotions. I could see a million shades of blue swirling around a brilliant blood red streak, as if they were completely engulfed in this intricate dance. I could see yellows and greens daintily weaving their way through this abstract painting, and beautiful glistening pearly whites. Polka dots of a soft pale pink flecked like dust against a soul scorching black canvas.

I had never felt this way about someone before. The way he was looking at me reminded me of those soppy romance movies where the "out-of-my-league" boy always ended up, head over heels in love with the "mysteriously-heartbroken-girl"

I used to dream about the moment someone would look at me and decide I was worth that storybook moment when time stopped and all that you could see was that persons love, when it felt as though your heart might burst out of your chest and just run forever hand in hand with him in sheer bliss leaving behind a shell of a person, delicate enough to be swept over by even the slightest breeze. A shell that would travel with the wind forever, floating like a piece of white cotton among the dandelions in the sky.

And here I am, now, standing in front of him, confessing everything. spilling out the very essence of my soul, I was opening the curtains on the deepest darkest parts of me that I thought I would never tell anyone. Those pieces of me, even I wasn't sure about. His eyes were illuminating all the pieces of me, and I always thought this moment I exposed myself, would be the most liberating few minutes of my life, but instead my muscles were paralyzed with the fear of rejection, my own voice seemed detached from my body and muffled as I listened to it pour on about every inch of my fears and dreams, how I was self conscious about my legs and how I thought I had dazzling sapphire coloured eyes, I swear I caught a faint glimpse of an," I also think I'm pretty good at painting" thrown in there somewhere. 

It was dark outside, and the windows were cloudy from the icy breeze running through the trees, doodling on them. I've never heard any person say some of the things that she did that night. She was so brave and strong as she spilled out everything to me. I felt like a book with a thousand blank pages being filled up with a beautiful handwritten story with her name gold embossed on the cover, she was the most beautiful person I've ever seen. as the dark brown wicker beside lamp drew delicate shadows on the walls and against her cheek she seemed so luminescent. Her skin seemed to glow in that small room, it light up a piece of my heart in a way she always managed to do and I nearly missed it that night because of how numb I had become to it, but that night it was just... different.

The wind outside sounds like a violin as it forces It's way in through the cracks of my window pane... the sound of his breath is the only other sound that fills the room, and together they create a catastrophic duet. His voice keeping time like the solid beating of a drum, while the wind screams it's emotions to the world. My eyelids begin to close as his rhythmic breathing becomes the only figment of reality keeping me from drifting off into the depths of my dreams, where hazy blues and grey's beckon to me, and in the midst of them, a blurry figure begins to take shape. It looks like I'm staring at it through eyes that have just been crying... the tears blurring any real details from view. I can make out intricate details closer to me, the sharpness of the figures is a little shocking at first as my eyes slowly adjust to the landscape. Everything begins to seep into perfect clarity, I can hear the ocean behind me, murmuring into the sand loyally, but can't turn to see it. All I can do is stand and stare helplessly at a breathtakingly expansive landscape, a kaleidoscope of colour fills my eyes, and suddenly I feel something electrify my skin. I look down and see a hand grasp mine, the touch suddenly jolts tiny tingles up my back and my palms begin to sweat. I hear my name whispered, and turn my head to locate the owner of the angelic voice, and it's him.

My heart stops for a split second and my breath catches in my throat, my senses are overwhelmed as the brightest white light suddenly envelops everything around me... including him. The only reassurance I have that he is still with me is his satin soft grip on my now clammy hand, and then, as if on cue, he floats the words," I love you" in my direction, and this time, every fiber of my being, every inch of my soul and every emotion screams out that, for once in my short life, I truly believe every word his lips have pronounced, and my heart sinks into itself with exhaustion as every wall of mine comes crashing down. I am held together by a thread so delicate the softest hint of a breeze would tear it, and me, apart.