Teenage Memoirs

The most common question I have been asked is, "What are you going to do one day?"
Well, lets just say it's... interesting.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly how this all works. School, Friends, Boys and well Life. Its a delicate scale that has to be balanced perfectly in order to work out...

Some days I wake up, just happy to be alive, and content to live and be exactly who I am, and other days its a little more difficult...

My exams have started and although I get days off to study at home, I still feel as if I'm drowning in little black words printed next to grey and white microscopic diagrams. Sure, it seems as if I'm working hard in my room, but really I'm just staring at words moving my eyes from left to right across the page, trying to comprehend concepts that seem to be floating past my brain and getting stuck while being absorbed.

I also cant escape the fact that these exams will pretty much define the rest of my life... every adult I've spoken to, keeps telling me about how important this grade is, and asking me what I want to do when "I'm Grown Up"

First they'll tell me do something you love, and then in the same breath they turn around and tell me that money is everything, and that all they see in my future is success beyond my wildest dreams, as long as I'm willing to do something that I kind of want to but don't really... and make all these sacrifices in order to be wealthy.

If you really knew what I wanted to do, I would tell you I wanted to do everything, I want to be on stage, acting, singing and dancing... I want to be playing hockey everyday, pushing my body to it's limits. I would want to be learning how to make the piano obey my fingers at every stroke, I want to travel the world and discover each religion and culture and meet the locals, live like them and make friends all over the world. I want to be scuba diving... exploring the depths of the ocean, chasing tides and turtles and then I also want to make tons of money so that when I want, I can take a roadtrip down to the oceans shore and bathe in some sun. I want to come back up and work on an artificial chlorophyll that could sustain rural settlements and create fresh water and glucose that could be manufactured into food and given to these people and that could help sustain them, and win a Nobel Peace Prize for this reason. If I could do anything I wanted I would be painting and drawing and creating music with all my international friends in foreign countries studying biochemistry and biotechnology while being able to sing for people who wanted to hear my voice fill up the air and still find myself having time to relax with some really nice boy and maybe one day settling down somewhere breathtakingly beautiful.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "What are you going to study when you leave school?"

Please don't ask me those questions, my own dreams and expectations scare me, they truly frighten me. To think that I have no idea what or who I am...That I don't really know what makes me most happy and most excited, is a concept I'm still trying to figure out.

I look at my peers and ask them the same troubling questions that I can not yet answer and some have a very clear idea, but the others are just as confused as I am. Its scary having to make these decisions that will one day define you.

Life is but a mere balancing act, a delicate art form only a few every master.

What do I want to be when I grow up....

Happy.