Pale Reflections

I've restarted this post at least twenty times by now. I just cant seem to find the right words that will express... well... me.

Why is this so difficult? 

I'm getting frustrated with myself because all of a sudden my words seem broken, flat, meaningless. Ahhhh. I don't even know where to start right now. 

Maybe at the part where I confess I'm not okay and tell you all about how I've been thinking about my scars more than I should and the time to admit I'm drowning trying to stay clean.

Maybe this post should be about how lost I feel everyday because I truly believe I am forsaken in the eyes of God. Ha. God... I'm not so sure he even exists, but at the same time I'm completely convinced.

My pale reflection just doesn't look like me anymore. Its not and that scares me. 

Call it growing up, call it a teenage crisis. I have lost myself. 

Oh how beautiful my tragedy is, with a war inside that wont ever calm but a calm outside that only gives way to war. A young maiden trapped by a metaphorical dragon that is life. Maybe that's what all the fairy tales were trying to say. That dragons do exist, they take shape in the form of something called life. 

Oh I know! This post should tell you about how I'm scared to death I end up becoming like those closest to me. Selfish and drunk and normal. Tiny pieces of a person that once was brave, different and too reckless.

I feel like one of those girls who are always complaining about something, the only thing that's different is that I have to filter who and what I tell because not everyone will understand the darkness that I must push through. 

People are scared of the dark because they cant see whats inside it. They are afraid of the unknown, the things they have no control over. So how can I be loved when I feel like darkness even in the brightest daylight? Some days I scare myself with the things I think and want to say and want to do.

At what point did the diamonds leave my bones? When did I become so consumed by the night? 

My monsters aren't under my bed. They're in my head.

They haunt me at night in my dreams. In the dark confines of my mind where they know I wont escape, where they know I wont have control over them. The one part of me where I cant fight back against them. 

They provide me with the most entertaining nightmares. 

I hardly remember how I started this post, but I remember I had a hard time doing it, but now that I'm reaching the end it's getting easier to write again. Sounds a lot like my life at the moment. 

Now i have no idea how to end.

So... 

Goodbye I guess.